It was my first day of work, my mom had been pestering me to get a job for years. She would call me a fat slob and at one point tried to persuade me to join the family business of assassins, though I declined. Now this is my ticket to show that I'm a hard worker and can make money, without a knife mind you. I arrived at my workplace via magic carpet transportation and was greeted with a medium sized building known only as "Freddy. J. McShitty's pizza". It was a dark place with no staff, though I was working the night shift so I wasn't surprised. I entered the doorway and realised I ate too much at the McDonald's across the street, so I rushed to the toilet to take a big one. As I sat in the toilet for over a hundred hours, I felt relieved and clean, letting my excretory system do all the work. But then it happened.
I heard a scraping sound against the floor, and an electrical low-pitch buzzing. It was getting closer and closer and... I let it out. The last bit of crap was released and it felt wonderful, however I quickly focused my attention back to the unusual sounds. The buzzing sound got louder, and then a swoosh sound against the tile floor followed by a thud preceded. I could hear the entity mutter something under its breath.
"Damn kids always leaving shit stuck to the ground."
The manager perhaps? At last I had finished and flushed the toilet, but, oh dear. Something went gravely wrong, too wrong. My eyes stared with absolute fear, complete hysteria. The toilet was clogged! I creaked open the door cautiously, and there he was, one of the staff. I looked at a man with oddly bright, yellow skin and large beady eyes. I assumed it was the chef because of the large apron which read "LETS EAT!!!". The yellow skin was probably some sort of rare skin condition so I avoided the subject.
"Hey there I'm the new guy."
"New guy?"
"Yeah, uh, this might be kinda embarrassing but do you by any chance have a plunger."
"Plunger? How about you use knife."
"Knife? I know you're a chef but that just won't do the trick."
"I meant knife for your head."
"I can see you've got a sense of humour."
"Forget it, come with me."
"So I'm off the hook? Sweet!"
I followed the chef to a room called "pirate cove". I stumbled behind the curtains and there I saw the most beautiful co-worker ever, her name was foxy (and she was pretty foxy if y'know what I mean). From her rough, crimson skin emanated the most industrial scent, like my computer back at home. Nervously I approached her, with butterflies swarming in my stomach.
"Hello miss, I just joined."
She stared at me and opened her mouth letting out a high pitched scream, a deafening roar that burst my ear drums. I could tell she was probably shy.
"Uh, nice to meet you I guess."
As I turned round somebody else caught hold of my arm, I looked over and it was one of the other staff. He was a man with dark brown, furry skin and wore a top hat, his appearance also resembled that of a bear.
"Hello there you must be new here, I'm the manager of this fine establishment."
"Oh! Hello sir, I've been waiting to see you all day."
"And I've..." Without hesitation he grabbed my arm and inhaled, "...been waiting for you all day."
"You like arms?"
"You could say I rather enjoy the sweet smell of human flesh haha."
"Everyone seems to have such a great sense of humour here, man I'm gonna have the time of my life."
"Yes, now I welcome you wholeheartedly to five thousand nights at McShitty's, a place where crap comes to life, and urine is your only source of-"
"Yeah, speaking of urine I really need to go to the toilet."
"Excellent, because that's your job-taking a shit."
"Really? I get paid to go to the toilet?"
"They don't call it McShitty's for nothing."
"Makes sense. By the way, what's the pay around here?"
"Youtube comments, MacDonalds 360 noscope headshots ftw MLG. But what if he not kill?"
"Wow, I would rate that 8/8 m8."
"Now get back to work!"
"You got it Freddy."
After that unnecessarily long conversation with Freddy I plodded off to the toilet to take yet another awesome shit. But as I walked I heard the evident signs of something bouncing behind me, constantly getting closer as I treaded through each mile of corridor. I kept walking and walking, but for some reason the corridor just grew each time. I heard breathing right by me, right against my neck. He came up close to my ear, his breath growing with each inch, I didn't know who this guy was, but I tried to remain cool. Then, without warning, he spoke quietly into my ear.
"But what if he not kill?"
And with that, I spent the rest of my five thousand nights at McShitty's.